Christmas Lights

We went to check out some Christmas lights with friends tonight…and Bostyn and Bailey’s electronic babies 😂. Every time they cry at the worst times… I can’t help but laugh. 

What are your favorite Christmas traditions/activities?  We are still building what ours look like, and it is fun to hear ideas!! 

Love this family of mine! And every second I can get when we are all together…which is getting less and less as they get older and their lives get full of all sorts of things. 😭

On a side note: Bostyn and I decided to share some mom and daughter eating disorder support and recovery thoughts on my YouTube channel, if you know anyone who is going though that, please share!

 https://youtu.be/k4T19hrWXUs

The missing link to healing trauma

Its my bday tomorrow! One more year until i am 40!! 

 For years I have been saying I want to create my own vitamin company for all the people I work with who are undergoing a lot of stress or have been through trauma…  Watching my own body fall apart, and seeing it in so many of the widows and victims impacted by murder and loss…who have been overwhelmed with fear, pain, and grief. It is hard to heal our spirits and minds when they are stuck in what feels like a broken body. And trauma doesn’t just attack our minds and spirits…it paralyzes us physically. It steals from every part of us. 

I have been on the hunt for almost a decade to create the perfect formula that works for everyone. Recently, I found something even better. Supplements that are created specifically for YOU based on YOUR needs. 

Finally a way to get the perfect formula that fits YOU. It starts with an at home DNA test… you send it back, and a formula is created just for you…that meets your body’s needs.  No more guessing, wondering why everything upsets your stomach, struggling with symptoms that never seem to have an answer… because now there is a formula that is literally created for your body!

Nutrition based on science,DNA, and personal needs. No more guessing, wondering when it’s your turn to feel good, or just giving up. 

 Have you ever wondered why you don't respond to things like foods, vitamins, etc the same as other people do? Have you asked yourself questions like, why do I have gut issues? Why can't I lose this weight? Why do I struggle with depression or anxiety? Why does it seem like my body can't handle certain foods or vitamins? There are some variations in our genes that cause hiccups in our processes in our body that make it so certain pathways or reactions don't work the same as they should and do in other people. So this simple genetic test that can be performed to find out if you have some of these variations and then a specific formulation is made customized for each individual to support those pathways so they can work properly! There are over 400 million different variations that can go into your formulation. 

So, this is nutrition without guessing! So happy birthday to me! I said by 40 i want to help others heal their bodies...after all these years of getting to help people start their mental and spirutual healing. The missing link!! We have to have all areas get what they need and get healthy to fully heal. 

  Please check it out and message me if you have any questions.

Uforia Science

Today you have a choice

People often ask me—after they hear our story of Emmett’s murder—how I got through such a horrible day. The truth is…I didn’t. I stumbled through…drowning in grief, pain, and humiliation. Most hours I did nothing but feel anger towards a man I had never met, a woman I never trusted, and a husband I had given my whole heart. I had no strength or courage. It was mainly the fog, adrenaline and fear that pulled me to the next morning. How I got through that day…I didn’t have a choice. That moment—that part of MY story—was written for me, by everyone but me. The pain of letting go of a narrative of what I thought my life would look like rattled my very existence. I wasn’t strong. I was scared and felt blind sided, knowing I would never be the same. I definitely did nothing—unless you include breathing—brave to get through it. Most of the time it isn’t the moment of impact that we have to “get through” because in that moment we really have no other choice. Time keeps on ticking, even though they feel broken…our lungs keep working, and eventually that dark day—just like every other day—runs out of hours, and is over. It is the days that follow that we have to live through, fight through, and decide if we are going to make it through. It is the days—and years—that follow the darkest ones, that we have to make a choice if we are going to let the darkness consume us, if we are going to hide from our story, or if we are going to press on to find—in a new chapter—the light again. So if you ever have a day you wondered how you made it through…maybe you didn’t. Maybe you stumbled. Maybe you fell flat on your face. Maybe that day—in your mind—you did everything wrong. Maybe you have shamed yourself for years because of how weak you were in that moment. Maybe all you wish is to go back and say the words that were left unsaid, or take back the ones that haunt you. Maybe—like me—you barely remember that day, or the person you were before it. Guess what? You are not alone and good news…that day is now OVER. Any beliefs you took on about who you think you are because of that moment…it’s time to let go of those too. Any days or years that moment has robbed from you, with fear and shame, PTSD, anxiety, etc…it’s time to not just fight, it’s time to live. Today is a clean slate, a new moment, and a fresh page in your story. Our stories weren’t meant to break us, just teach us how to get back up stronger, no matter how long it takes. Today is the day you get to choose—maybe for the first time—YOU. Letting go is never easy, but it’s time to choose the hard on purpose. Forgiveness isn’t about them…it is about you. I promise—with God—it is possible. Get on your knees every morning and night and carry a prayer in your heart every moment. When the triggers come—and they will—with prayer and grace for yourself, check the facts, question your fears, and face the demons that want to keep you stuck in the dark. Clear space for light. Let your angels carry the darkness away and pray for Christ to bring the light He wants you to have. Make sure anything you leave a place for inside of you…helps you feel light. Only truth can bring peace. And the truth is…YOU are enough. You were created to be light. You have gifts and talents—some you haven’t even yet remembered—that you were sent to earth to share with others and strengthen yourself. You are a warrior, a spirit son or daughter of God. You have a purpose and a mission here, you just have to remember it. Remember… and make it great. Today you have a choice. Today is a clean slate, a day to start writing the next chapter of your life. A day to wipe clean the pages of the past…and begin fresh. A day to forgive others and yourself. A day to remember that you are the main character of this story, and you get to choose to make it through. Today is a day to celebrate all the days you have—despite that moment—been strong enough to get up, show up, and live through. Even if you haven’t yet found the light you are fighting for. That day you didn’t have a choice…but this day…you do!

Wright where you are

 I had the pleasure of sharing some thoughts on Forgiveness and life with my friend Jason Wright. Go check it out. 

Wright where you are: with Ashlee Boyson

Guess what? And no I am not pregnant . . . though you probably thought that the second you saw "Guess what" because legit I have seven kids

*****Conference has been postponed due to high covid numbers***** We will announce a new date when we know more. A free online event will replace the fall in-person event! Please watch with us and share with friends and family who need a little light. First of all, I need to let you know I am alive. I have been enjoying some family time, and covid was kind of the perfect timing for me to do so. I haven't opened my computer in a very long time. I had baby Kylar the day after Bostyn got home from the eating disorder facility, and between the two of them, for many months I  needed to be available most hours of the day and night. Then we moved! Yay. Then Scott working from home, and summer kept me on my toes. Unpacking, babies that wake up at 7 am, and big kids that want to be up until midnight. I have been on a whole new kind of adventure, and I have loved every minute of it. And also...I haven't written anything, or done much more than be wrapped up in being a mom. And it has been AMAZING! That being said, lately I have really felt the desire to connect with you all again. I have done a few interviews, one that aires tomorrow...ironically was filmed when i was super pregnant with baby Ky...so I have to admit, I am a little nervous for that. Haha. But only in the super prideful, my face looks  huge kind of way. Other than that, to be honest I rarely watch the shows when they come out. I always just pray that they will bring others to the truths they are looking for when they hear Emmett's story or help a family avoid the pain and struggle we have gone through because of the choices that were made in our story. I have spoken at a few events...which I always forget to put on here so you can come meet me when I am in your area, but I haven't put on an A Reason to Stand event since I was pregnant with Kennady . . . and she is two. Sheesh.  

So here is the good news. Nicole from The Venue ( in Rigby, ID) has teamed up with us to put on an event!!!! A Reason to Stand is coming to Idaho. Please share with friends, family, and people you know who could use a boost. We love connecting with those who have walked in similar shoes, and would love the chance to make them apart of our family. 

Thank you for being here and supporting me through this adventure, through the good and the bad. That is life right? I am thankful to be able to help others through their struggles, and so grateful for all of you who have done the same for me. 

Love you all. 

Ashlee

 

Click here to reserve your seat:

Hope and Healing in Christ workshop

I was able to speak in person for the first time in a long time! They recorded it—and all the other presenters—if you want to check it out! 

 https://hopeandhealinginchrist.org/workshop/

The strength of the buffalo

 It’s been ten years since I started my journey of becoming a Buffalo. 

   

Let me explain: 

Storms. We all face them sometimes. The hardest ones are the kind that come out of no where with dark heavy clouds that threaten our very existence. In the animal kingdom, no one is exempt from them either...but there is one animal who has it all figured out. 

When storms come, what cows (and other roaming animals) do is very natural. Cows sense the storm coming and immediately start to run in the opposite direction. The only problem is they aren’t very fast, so the storm catches up with them quickly. Without knowing any better the cows continue to try to outrun the storm, but instead of outrunning the storm they actually run right along with it. Thus their frantic running—away from the the storm—maximizes the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience in that storm! A struggle that could have ended more quickly, seems to carry on for a very long time, leaving the animal exhausted, defeated, and even permanently injured. 

Buffalo however take a different approach to storms. Buffalo wait and watch as a storm approaches. They remain relatively calm and keep their eye on the raging clouds. When the weather is close, the buffalo turn toward—and charge directly head on—into the storm. 

Instead of running away from the storm they run directly at the storm—straight through it—thus minimizing the amount of pain, time and frustration they experience from it. 

It has been ten years since our storm. Sometimes I have been the cow, wandering aimlessly, trying to out run and hoping to get ahead of the raging storm. Other times I have been the buffalo with my head down, charging it, ready to fight, ready to get through...ready to stand strong on the other side. 

The hard stuff in life either breaks us and wears us out...or gives us a strength we didn’t know we were capable of. The pain we carry either works to hold us back, or gives us a reason to keep pushing through. 

We can learn a lot from the buffalo. Even in the times we can’t see the storm coming, we can still decide—in a moment—if we lean into the coming storm or if we spend the rest of our lives trying to run from it. Either way there will be moments we have to face it...either head on, or it knocking us over from behind. 

You guys have shared your buffalo stories with me. I have learned from your perseverance how to be better. I have gained from your experiences insight on how I can strengthen myself. Thank you for learning, sharing, and inspiring me the last decade to help me keep going. 

I cannot imagine the strength this girl—who started this journey exactly ten years ago—has gained...without picturing all of you. You have seen the goodness in me I thought was lost when that gun fired. You have given me a space to own my story...instead of running and hiding from it. And like the buffalo, you have helped me find strength to hold my head high, grit my teeth and keep stepping into the storms life has sent. 

Ten years ago we said goodbye to a lot of things. One of those was our innocence. That has been a hard one to find again. But through the ten years—of buffalo moments—that have followed, we have gained way more than we lost. I will never be the same as that innocent young mom who sat on that couch and had her heart ripped out of her chest.  I know now just how cruel this world can be. And also...I will never forget that moment I stepped into my closet and prayed harder than I have ever prayed. I will never forget the light that filled my heart and mind...promising me of a brighter day. Promising me that I could learn how to truly forgive; promising me that someday I would be able to breath again. That moment and that prayer gave me a glimmer of what could be. That prayer and that promise...gave me the strength to walk forward—just like a mama buffalo—into the storm. 

I know those clouds are dark. I know the pain is real and the wounds run so deep...but don’t you give up. This storm will pass and the light on the other side will find you. 

*Photo credit: Tom Murphy www.tmurphywild.com this picture was used with permission from Tom. Please visit his page to check out more amazing photography. 

A prayer to see

 Have you ever prayed to see someone how God sees them? Did anything change? Were you able to see them in a way that helped you understand them more clearly? 

Sometimes we get blinded by our own fears, our own expectations, our own opinions, or our own judgements to truly see someone for who they are. Sometimes our lack of knowledge—of the story they have lived—stops us from seeking more understanding of who they have become. Sometimes the people who are hardest to see...are the one’s who need it the most. Sometimes the hardest person to see clearly...is ourselves. 

To truly forgive we must see someone who hurt us...as God sees them. To honestly love someone, we must be able to see them as they are seen by the one who created them. With more of His view,  we see less of their flaws and more of what makes them special, unique, and His loved son or daughter.

I have challenged myself this year to see more clearly. To ask questions before I jump to conclusions. To look deeper before I judge only what I can see with my eyes. To love myself for who I am now and not wait for a specific goal before I can appreciate myself. 

Last year was full of fogs and fear and not being able to see each other...quite literally. This year I challenge all of us to see things as they really are. 

With less of the world’s view of who the people in our life should be...we are blessed with a view of who people in our lives are. We are all worthy of love. In a moment of the fog...there is power in a prayer. Ask Him to help you see. I promise it can change everything. It won’t change the person, or the challenge...it will just change our ability to see it, to accept it, and most importantly...to love it. 

There is beauty all around. 

You can handle it

 2 months! We couldn’t love you more baby Kylar. To be honest...I have lost more sleep with teenagers who want to stay up late (hence the late night post) than I have with this one. She is a dream baby. At 4 weeks she slept her first 11 hours straight...and hasn’t missed a night. (I have told you—Baby sleep is my one best skill...honestly my dream job is to be a sleep trainer, because it makes parenting so joyful when you get rest). Anyways. This little baby girl is one content little peanut. We love having her as part of our team.

I have been thinking a lot about this stage I am in right now. The last time I had an almost two year old and an almost two month old was almost exactly ten years ago. 10 years? If you would have told me ten years ago that I would hold that little infant in my arms and that little toddler’s hand through their daddy’s funeral, a murder trial, and a remarriage that ended in divorce...I would have thought you were crazy. God never gives us more than we can handle...and I would have sworn up and down that I couldn’t have handled that. If you would have said, someday you will have seven kids...I would have laughed...because God doesn’t give us more than we can handle—and I wouldn’t believe I could handle that.

I am actually really grateful—as I sit her thinking about all I thought I could never handle—that nobody told me. Because in those dark moments of living all the things I could never have handled...I remember the many things He did promise. Light. Peace. We would be protected and blessed. We would find forgiveness. We would be able to move forward. I didn’t know exactly what all that meant, on my knees in my closet that night, but ten years later—still working hard every day to fulfill all of those little glimmers of light at the end of that seemingly endless tunnel—I am realizing these eyes must have been two of the lights that were shinning the brightest. Scott we did good. Two more sparkly eyes that testify of God’s grace. 

We were all born to shine. Don’t let the darkness around you ever cover the light that’s inside. And never stop writing your story...tomorrow might surprise you. Trust Him when He says you can handle it.

Christmas Miracles

I believe in Christmas miracles. 

❤️🎄☃️❤️

6 days of miracles to be exact. Starting last Friday. The decision was made to have Bostyn finish her healing from home. Saturday afternoon she got to surprise her siblings. Sunday morning she walked into the hospital as our plus one...and watched her little sister Kylar come into this world. 

And the final miracle in this weeks surprise ending. All of our babies sat around the Christmas tree together this morning under one roof. 

God is good. He knows what we need the most, and sometimes we just have to sit back, trust...and watch the miracles unfold. 

Thank you to everyone who prayed for our Bostyn girl. She is smiling, and healthy, and has had a smooth transition to being here and finishing her healing journey from home! We are complete this Christmas Day and I know it is because of the prayers of so many of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am sore, I am tired, and I am completely full of joy...this has been one of the best weeks of my life. 

Bostyn asked me to give her some space to share some thoughts that have been on her heart:

Hey guys! 

I had the feeling to share this. Even though it feels really scary, here it goes... 

None of us can really predict how life is going to turn out. Many of us know what we want in life or who we want to be. Maybe we don’t know what to expect, but I’ve found out over the course of my life that the only thing you can expect from life is change. 

I never expected to end up at a residential treatment center for eating disorders. My whole life I’ve been the perfect child. The one who’s always happy, always there for everyone, with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. Even through everything I’ve been through I still smiled. I tried to make everything better for everyone else. I thought that was my purpose in life. To make people happy. To fix everything for everyone else. I was told from some people in my past that I needed to be perfect to be loved. That I shouldn’t be a burden or speak up or have an opinion. I believed the only way anyone could love me was if I was perfect, beautiful, helpful, happy, funny, skinny... So many people have left in my life and I blamed myself for it. 

I never noticed how bad it was until I looked back on it. The world normalizes eating disorder behaviors but shames the disorder itself. I hope that I can help give it a voice. It was something that I tried to hide for so long. 

I never decided that I was going to just stop eating. It was never a conscious decision. It started with me cutting out certain foods I labeled as ‘bad’. Then I started working out obsessively. If I didn’t get to workout one day I would compensate by skipping meals. Then I cut out carbs. Everyone was always talking about the fad keto diet. It was a common thing I thought was normal and had heard a lot of people were doing it. I then started eating smaller portions of what was already unfulfilling food. Being low on food and energy numbed me. I didn’t have to think about anything that hurt me. I couldn’t really think about anything besides food and exercise and looking for ways to be helpful and needed. I ate normally in front of friends and people outside my family, but later punished myself for it with exercise and fasting. I lost so many relationships. My relationship with my parents and siblings once so strong was fading. I had no energy to give to friendships. I hid from everyone and pushed everyone away. I didn’t believe that I had an eating disorder, but it kept getting worse. My fingers and toes turned blue and cold. I was told my heart was slowing down and could soon give out if I kept this up. I tried to recover at home and my parents did all they could to help me. No matter what we tried, I could not heal. As much as I wanted to recover it wasn’t working for me to do it by myself. I know that the treatment center was the only option. As much as I didn’t want to go, I didn’t fight it.  I knew that my dream of having a family one day could not be possible unless I recovered. I knew that I was wasting away and could not maintain this much longer. I thought it made me weak for needing more professional help, but I now realize that I had to have more courage in order to accept what I needed. 

The treatment center saved me in so many ways. I am so grateful for everyone who supported me, wrote to me or reached out to me or my family in any way. Thank you to those who held me in my lowest times and were there for me when I thought I was alone. Thank you so much for everything. 

Eating disorders are a real and scary thing. It’s hard to see it when it’s yourself. I never would’ve guessed or wanted it to be a part of my life, but I am so grateful I can learn form this experience. Even though I am doing so much better, I still have to fight everyday to maintain recovery and choose it for myself. 

I want us all to remember that we are the main characters in our story. We aren’t here to give everything to everyone else or to be perfect. Those who truly love us will love us because we are ourselves. They will love us for our perfections and imperfections. Who wants to be perfect anyways!? It’s not even possible! 

Friday, the decision was made for me to come home and Saturday I got to come home and surprise my siblings! The next day I got to see my baby sister Kylar be born. I didn’t think I was going to be able to meet her until months later, but I was able to be there when she came into the world! God has a plan for all of us and answers our prayers. Most of the time, our plan isn’t what we expected. Sometimes it isn’t what we want, and sometimes it’s a miracle we never thought would happen. But it’s always what we need and what was meant to be.

Thank you for the support and love. I feel all of your prayers. I will forever be grateful for the hardest three months I will never forget and the love I felt from so many of you.  Love you to the moon and back! 

Love, 

Bostyn