December 25, 2020

Christmas Miracles

I believe in Christmas miracles. 

6 days of miracles to be exact. Starting last Friday. The decision was made to have Bostyn finish her healing from home. Saturday afternoon she got to surprise her siblings. Sunday morning she walked into the hospital as our plus one...and watched her little sister Kylar come into this world. 

And the final miracle in this weeks surprise ending. All of our babies sat around the Christmas tree together this morning under one roof. 

God is good. He knows what we need the most, and sometimes we just have to sit back, trust...and watch the miracles unfold. 

Thank you to everyone who prayed for our Bostyn girl. She is smiling, and healthy, and has had a smooth transition to being here and finishing her healing journey from home! We are complete this Christmas Day and I know it is because of the prayers of so many of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am sore, I am tired, and I am completely full of joy...this has been one of the best weeks of my life. 

Bostyn asked me to give her some space to share some thoughts that have been on her heart:

Hey guys! 
I had the feeling to share this. Even though it feels really scary, here it goes... 

None of us can really predict how life is going to turn out. Many of us know what we want in life or who we want to be. Maybe we don’t know what to expect, but I’ve found out over the course of my life that the only thing you can expect from life is change. 

I never expected to end up at a residential treatment center for eating disorders. My whole life I’ve been the perfect child. The one who’s always happy, always there for everyone, with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. Even through everything I’ve been through I still smiled. I tried to make everything better for everyone else. I thought that was my purpose in life. To make people happy. To fix everything for everyone else. I was told from some people in my past that I needed to be perfect to be loved. That I shouldn’t be a burden or speak up or have an opinion. I believed the only way anyone could love me was if I was perfect, beautiful, helpful, happy, funny, skinny... So many people have left in my life and I blamed myself for it. 

I never noticed how bad it was until I looked back on it. The world normalizes eating disorder behaviors but shames the disorder itself. I hope that I can help give it a voice. It was something that I tried to hide for so long. 

I never decided that I was going to just stop eating. It was never a conscious decision. It started with me cutting out certain foods I labeled as ‘bad’. Then I started working out obsessively. If I didn’t get to workout one day I would compensate by skipping meals. Then I cut out carbs. Everyone was always talking about the fad keto diet. It was a common thing I thought was normal and had heard a lot of people were doing it. I then started eating smaller portions of what was already unfulfilling food. Being low on food and energy numbed me. I didn’t have to think about anything that hurt me. I couldn’t really think about anything besides food and exercise and looking for ways to be helpful and needed. I ate normally in front of friends and people outside my family, but later punished myself for it with exercise and fasting. I lost so many relationships. My relationship with my parents and siblings once so strong was fading. I had no energy to give to friendships. I hid from everyone and pushed everyone away. I didn’t believe that I had an eating disorder, but it kept getting worse. My fingers and toes turned blue and cold. I was told my heart was slowing down and could soon give out if I kept this up. I tried to recover at home and my parents did all they could to help me. No matter what we tried, I could not heal. As much as I wanted to recover it wasn’t working for me to do it by myself. I know that the treatment center was the only option. As much as I didn’t want to go, I didn’t fight it.  I knew that my dream of having a family one day could not be possible unless I recovered. I knew that I was wasting away and could not maintain this much longer. I thought it made me weak for needing more professional help, but I now realize that I had to have more courage in order to accept what I needed. 

The treatment center saved me in so many ways. I am so grateful for everyone who supported me, wrote to me or reached out to me or my family in any way. Thank you to those who held me in my lowest times and were there for me when I thought I was alone. Thank you so much for everything. 

Eating disorders are a real and scary thing. It’s hard to see it when it’s yourself. I never would’ve guessed or wanted it to be a part of my life, but I am so grateful I can learn form this experience. Even though I am doing so much better, I still have to fight everyday to maintain recovery and choose it for myself. 

I want us all to remember that we are the main characters in our story. We aren’t here to give everything to everyone else or to be perfect. Those who truly love us will love us because we are ourselves. They will love us for our perfections and imperfections. Who wants to be perfect anyways!? It’s not even possible! 

Friday, the decision was made for me to come home and Saturday I got to come home and surprise my siblings! The next day I got to see my baby sister Kylar be born. I didn’t think I was going to be able to meet her until months later, but I was able to be there when she came into the world! God has a plan for all of us and answers our prayers. Most of the time, our plan isn’t what we expected. Sometimes it isn’t what we want, and sometimes it’s a miracle we never thought would happen. But it’s always what we need and what was meant to be.

Thank you for the support and love. I feel all of your prayers. I will forever be grateful for the hardest three months I will never forget and the love I felt from so many of you.  Love you to the moon and back! 



Dulcinea del Toboso said...

I cried so hard. Good tears. Sad tears. Tears because I get it. Tears because everything you say is truth, Bostyn. You sharing your journey and healing helps in my journey and healing. Thank you, beautiful wonderful girl!

And hooray and congratulations on the new addition!! ❤

Amy Beth said...

Wonderful news. Keep going and five yourself grace. Hold to our Savior and what he has done just for YOU!

Cathy Ann said...

Bostyn I worked as a nurse in Behavioral Health for over a decade. You are the sweet voice that we have prayed for to bring hope and healing to many. Eating Disorders are probably one of the most mishandled challenges in people’s lives. Your insight and transparency is beyond words. ❤️

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