Some would say I am weak; others might look at me and say I am strong. Truth is—most days I am both. If anyone knew it was me writing this post, they would say there is no way it was true. Oh how I wish it were not.
To protect many things, I want to share my story anonymously but I hope it will give you hope and the knowledge that you are not alone! For some of us suffer silent, because that is where God asked us to be.
I live in Utah with my husband and beautiful children. From the outside you would think we were the perfect family.
I remember back sitting in church Sunday after Sunday—hearing others speaking about their trials and hardships thinking, "we don't have any big trials that we couldn't handle". I even joked about not being worthy enough or strong enough for a real trial! Little did I know . . .
Almost three years ago I found out about my husband's infidelity. As he confessed his two-year affair with a close friend of ours my whole world crumbled. To make it even more complicated, she was pregnant and about to have my husband’s baby.
I cried for the next two weeks! Everything was a blur and I wasn't even sure what I wanted or what was next for me. Divorce for some reason never felt the right thing to do. My husband was in this total darkness he had created for all of us, and I couldn’t walk away. We both decided to stay. He promised to do everything in his power to make things work and start over again.
The last three years have been the hardest time of my life. Constantly going through pain, disappointment, heartache and fear like nothing I had ever felt before. It felt like it would never end. I haven't cried that much in my entire life.
But he has changed, and so has my heart. He repented and opened his whole heart! He has worked really hard to gain my forgiveness . . . and the Lord's.
Life is still hard sometimes, I still have days when I could just sit and cry from the pain that seems to just show up—even without my invite. But I know I'm not alone in this trial!
Looking back over the past three years I have learned and grown so much. I have learned that there are angels around us—literally next to us—when we feel alone! When there is no one out there who understands the Lord himself comes and lifts us up! I have felt my burden lifted up by my Heavenly Father. I have found the strength to smile and live my life without crying all day long! I had many days when I felt a bubble around me to protect me and keep the pain outside.
I never really understood what grace meant until I had to face this unbearable pain in my life. I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I could be. I learned that Jesus Christ literally was next to me carrying me through it all. He never left my side. He asked me to stay and I knew that with Him I could do it!
This quote has given me hope and a reason to stand:
It is important to understand that His healing can mean being cured, or having your burdens eased, or even coming to realize that it is worth it to endure to the end patiently, for God needs brave sons and daughters who are willing to be polished when in His wisdom that is His will."
I know that healing is possible through the Lord Jesus Christ! I know forgiveness is possible because of Him and His grace. Life is still hard sometimes, days when I don't know how to move forward—but in those moments I do the same I did in those days—I hold unto the hope and take one day at the time! I stand strong because I know God is with me and He will help me get through it! –Richard G. Scott
If you face such a trial—and silently suffer—I want you to know you are not alone! There are so many of us who go through such hardships like infidelity without anyone aware of our struggles. God asked me to stay—and it was hard as hell—but I stand tall. God and angels were with me every step of the way.
This scripture gave me much comfort every day:
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
And if you asked me why I stayed—it's because I wanted and still want to rebuild my marriage and make it eternal with heaven's help! That's my reason to stand!
We don’t have it all figured out, but we do still love each other, through the bumps in the path, the mistakes, and the hardships—not a perfect road . . . but one we will continue to fight . . . to stand together.
So yes. Every day I am weak and every day I am strong. But I do know this. I have courage and faith in God’s plan and He makes no mistakes, so I guess I am stronger than all the weak moments I thought I was alone—because He was always there.