May 2, 2016

But still I stay

Some would say I am weak; others might look at me and say I am strong. Truth is—most days I am both. If anyone knew it was me writing this post, they would say there is no way it was true. Oh how I wish it were not.

To protect many things, I want to share my story anonymously but I hope it will give you hope and the knowledge that you are not alone! For some of us suffer silent, because that is where God asked us to be.

I live in Utah with my husband and beautiful children. From the outside you would think we were the perfect family. 

I remember back sitting in church Sunday after Sunday—hearing others speaking about their trials and hardships thinking, "we don't have any big trials that we couldn't handle". I even joked about not being worthy enough or strong enough for a real trial! Little did I know . . .

Almost three years ago I found out about my husband's infidelity. As he confessed his two-year affair with a close friend of ours my whole world crumbled. To make it even more complicated, she was pregnant and about to have my husband’s baby.

I cried for the next two weeks! Everything was a blur and I wasn't even sure what I wanted or what was next for me. Divorce for some reason never felt the right thing to do. My husband was in this total darkness he had created for all of us, and I couldn’t walk away.  We both decided to stay. He promised to do everything in his power to make things work and start over again. 

The last three years have been the hardest time of my life. Constantly going through pain, disappointment, heartache and fear like nothing I had ever felt before. It felt like it would never end. I haven't cried that much in my entire life.

But he has changed, and so has my heart. He repented and opened his whole heart! He has worked really hard to gain my forgiveness . . . and the Lord's.

Life is still hard sometimes, I still have days when I could just sit and cry from the pain that seems to just show up—even without my invite. But I know I'm not alone in this trial! 

Looking back over the past three years I have learned and grown so much. I have learned that there are angels around us—literally next to us—when we feel alone! When there is no one out there who understands the Lord himself comes and lifts us up! I have felt my burden lifted up by my Heavenly Father. I have found the strength to smile and live my life without crying all day long! I had many days when I felt a bubble around me to protect me and keep the pain outside.

I never really understood what grace meant until I had to face this unbearable pain in my life. I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I could be. I learned that Jesus Christ literally was next to me carrying me through it all. He never left my side. He asked me to stay and I knew that with Him I could do it! 

This quote has given me hope and a reason to stand:

It is important to understand that His healing can mean being cured, or having your burdens eased, or even coming to realize that it is worth it to endure to the end patiently, for God needs brave sons and daughters who are willing to be polished when in His wisdom that is His will."

I know that healing is possible through the Lord Jesus Christ! I know forgiveness is possible because of Him and His grace. Life is still hard sometimes, days when I don't know how to move forward—but in those moments I do the same I did in those days—I hold unto the hope and take one day at the time! I stand strong because I know God is with me and He will help me get through it! –Richard G. Scott

If you face such a trial—and silently suffer—I want you to know you are not alone! There are so many of us who go through such hardships like infidelity without anyone aware of our struggles. God asked me to stay—and it was hard as hell—but I stand tall. God and angels were with me every step of the way. 

This scripture gave me much comfort every day:

 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

And if you asked me why I stayed—it's because I wanted and still want to rebuild my marriage and make it eternal with heaven's help! That's my reason to stand! 

We don’t have it all figured out, but we do still love each other, through the bumps in the path, the mistakes, and the hardships—not a perfect road . . . but one we will continue to fight . . . to stand together.

So yes. Every day I am weak and every day I am strong. But I do know this. I have courage and faith in God’s plan and He makes no mistakes, so I guess I am stronger than all the weak moments I thought I was alone—because He was always there. 


Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am one of the ones who no one would believe is suffering from my spouses infidelity in silence with only the bishop and a therapist who share the secret. It is so hard some days and like you mentioned, it is easier other days, as if there is a bubble around me. I stay because I feel it's right and I have hope for my husband. I also value my children's stability and they have a good dad. It's strengthening to hear there are others.

Anonymous said...

I also suffer alone because of my husbands infidelity. I stayed because God asked me to stay. I have seen him change in the last 3 years, but I still suffer with trust and pain on a daily basis. I still struggle to let him be close. It is strengthening to me also to know I do not suffer alone.

Kaylee Steiner said...

Wow! What great women who stay when God asks them to. THAT is strength of mind, character, and seeing things as God sees them. I'm amazed at that kind of strength, and don't see weakness in women like this at all! I'll be praying for all the women who have commented and the woman who wrote this. So hard! Love to all of you!

Anonymous said...

I too walked the same path as others. I thought that our marriage was perfect. We had ups and downs, but nothing that was not fixed. In December I found that my husband had an app on his phone, "Whisper". I called him while he was at work and told him I was leaving. I was out of there. We have four kids, but he knew if he ever cheated or anything I was gone. Long story short, he immediately called our Bishop and went through the repentance process. Part of the repentance process was telling me everything. Well, there was more than just the app. It hurt and it still hurts.
That night I asked our friend for a blessing. I was told so many powerful things in the blessing. I was told that Heavenly Father cried with me not because of hopelessness, but because of love (WOW!) I was told as I feel anger, doubt, fear to remember his love which will in turn strengthen me, envelope me and lead me to feel a capacity of lovethat I was unaware that I was capable of. He told me that there is no shame in feeling the feelings I had, but WHAT I DO WITH THOSE FEELINGS WILL DEFINE ME FROM THAT MOMENT FORWARD. Powerful words! It was THE MOST POWERFUL blessing I have ever received. My friend who gave me the blessing told me he has never given a blessing where he felt such strength and love from Heavenly Father.
Because of that blessing I am still here. We went through the repentance process. It was not easy. He had to sit in front of our Bishopric and tell everything. They all cried together. I was sitting outside the door and I could feel the love penetrating from the room.
We immediately started counseling together. It helped so much. I had to let him know how hurt I was. How do you trust again? How do you forgive? How do you move on? One night, while singing my son a bedtime song, the song being The Test, I heard someone tell me simply, "Forgive him" I had never had something like that happen. It was clear and so powerful, but yet so simple. Forgive him was all that I needed to do.
It has been 5 long and hard months, but we are closer than we have ever been. I am "transparent" now and I tell him how I feel. When I would have panic attacks, I had three of them shortly after hearing this, he was right there with me. He has been amazing.
I know that Heavenly Father has asked me to stay for a purpose. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is right for me.

Unknown said...

Thank you sooo much for sharing your "Larger than life battle behind the scenes that no one knows about" You are such an inspiration to all! After 20+ years of marriage, I was shocked to receive a call from my DR that I had a STD and was told "ya, you can get it when you have more than one partner" Excuse me, I have only had one partner and yes the same guy who took me to the temple. Amazing what one can discover when your spouse is put in a corner and you need immediate answers. I knew he had a porn problem before hand, repented of it and felt he had moved on and was behind him. He disclosed heart wrenching info to me that he "thought he has told me before we were married"- only to find out that I wasn't his first or even his second. Yes, he had repented of it all, but left out key details which came to haunt him some two decades later. Twenty years is a chunk of time to build our family of six. I feel so trapped in a marriage that has been betrayed from the start and so want a "redo" button. I'm having a rough time wanting to be close to him and feel like our married life has been a lie. Thanks for giving me a new perspective of hope of being able to take on the seemingly impossible. Thanks for the priceless reminder that we are never alone!

Unknown said...

You will never know how many wives and husbands you will help with your story. Amazing to see God's work in His timing and how He helps us through those times we think He is silent. Praying for those affected my infidelity. ❤️

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