March 13, 2014

Gravity

There came a time when the Attorney General’s office contacted me about participating in a Grand Jury. I didn’t know exactly what that meant, or what my role would be. They explained to me that it was kind of like a practice for the real thing; almost a mock trial to see what facts they had and how a jury would sentence the accused with the evidence they had collected. It sounded like a good way to see how prepared the prosecutors were to try Rob with the evidence and facts about the case they had gathered. I knew the defense would be requiring me to take the stand at the actual trial, and that thought was frightening, but I even felt anxiety about participating in this practice trial for the prosecution.
   
I was scared of the unknown. I spent the next few weeks nervous and skeptical about the questions I would be asked to answer. I imagined the moment over and over; I even asked myself questions and practiced my replies. They were always playing inside of me; it was like a weight that held onto my ankles and squeezed my heart everywhere I went. These questions were always in the back of my mind. I rehearsed in the shower, I stumbled over them as I changed diapers. Any moment when I was alone in the car, I would cry my answers out loud . . . usually ending in screams and anger, overwhelmed by the thought of taking the stand.
   
I was paralyzed by the fear that seemed to have taken over my thoughts. I went over and over all my memories of that night. I wished so badly that it had all been different, but the truth was what I had to state. I hated that the truth was so hard, and so humiliating. I knew I had to be prepared if I was going to be able to get on that stand and not break down. I knew it wasn’t the real deal, and that it was just a practice for the trial . . . but I worked myself up about it night and day.
   
I was very nervous about going to the courthouse. I was afraid that I would be there at the same time as some of the other witnesses. In all of our conversations about my participation, I made it very clear that I did not want to have even the possibility of running into Kandi in the halls. … I wanted to be in the building at different times than her. They assured me over and over that that would be the case.
   
An attorney friend of mine made arrangements to drive me down to the courthouse on the day the Grand Jury was set to take place. I was told they would start with Kandi’s testimony—since she was the only witness of Emmett’s death—and they would end with my testimony, Emmett’s wife. They had asked me to arrive around 2:00 p.m.
   
When we got to the office of the Victims’ Witness Coordinator, I was so scared that I was shaking. The thought that Kandi had been in the office earlier that day made my stomach turn. Since Emmett’s murder, I had not been in public once when I hadn’t searched for her. I looked in every car that passed me, making sure we were not driving on the same road. I hadn’t gone anywhere without the fear that we would meet, and now, here we were in the same building . . . on purpose. It seemed out-of-this-world and unreal that if, by chance, I took the wrong elevator or went down the wrong hallway . . . we could actually meet face to face.
   
The girl in the front office told me to sit in the waiting room chairs. The coordinator finally made her way up to tell us what was going on. She looked distraught, “Hey . . . I am so sorry that we had you come this early. She is still on the stand and she has been for hours. We are just scratching the surface of what they need her to share. You will have to wait here until she is done, and the other witnesses get their chance to take the stand and be questioned. We still have you on the schedule as the final witness.”

So I waited. My heart pounded and my body shook as I sat in the quiet, alone with my thoughts.

Everyone in that courtroom was being told facts that I didn’t even know: facts about how my husband died, truths that only Kandi knew. I didn’t know anything. I hadn’t yet learned that Emmett had driven her in his car, and that they had spent the evening together before they met up with Rob at Walgreens. I hadn’t learned that the two men didn’t even touch each other when Rob confronted Emmett. I didn’t hear Emmett’s last words. He wasn’t there to fight for me. I didn’t hear the gun shots or see the blood dripping from his wounds. I wasn’t there to hold his head as he took his last breath . . . but she was there.
     
I hated the fact that as I sat up in this quiet office waiting, she was sitting in front of a group of people telling them all the things I didn’t even know. I hated the fact that complete strangers were in there being given the answers to all the questions that still played out in my nightmares. They were getting answers to the questions they asked . . . while I sat in silence.
   
What seemed like hours passed, and my turn finally came. I was almost excited as I walked into that room full of strangers. They didn’t know me. … I was just another victim to them. They hadn’t sat in my living room, on my black couch, with the detectives that night. They didn’t see the looks on my babies’ faces when they were told that their dad had been shot; they hadn’t seen the tears running down my cheeks for weeks after Emmett’s murder. It was almost as if I couldn’t wait to let it all out . . . and show them that this victim still had a voice. That gun had nearly destroyed me . . . but I still had a pulse.
   
I raised my hand and promised to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth. With my heart pounding, I took my seat.

“Please state your full name.” I opened my mouth to speak . . .  but my emotions began to take over, and no words came. The bailiff asked me to repeat. “Ashlee Corrigan . . . A S H L E E   C O R R I G A N.” My voice cracked as I pronounced each letter; it was as if my mouth were filled with saltine crackers. My throat was so dry, and the words that rolled around inside of it had no way to get out.
   
As soon as my name left my lips, my eyes began to burn. How could this be real? This couldn’t possibly be my life I was going to be questioned about. It couldn’t be my husband who died. …This wasn’t our story! Suddenly, I didn’t want to be here. The fight or flight mechanism programed inside of me set off its alarm . . . and I started to panic. The attorney could tell I was losing it. He said, “You are a little emotional. … Are you doing okay? … Do you . . .  want . . .”
   
I tried so hard to get my voice to come out again. “Yes, I just . . . this is . . . I . . . I . . . I . . . I will be fine.” I was shaking hysterically. I took a few deep breaths, hoping to put on my smile and not let my completely distraught internal freak-out be witnessed by all. Everything inside of me wanted to scream. I wanted to tell them everything that WE had been through . . . everything I had been forced to witness my kids live through. I wanted to shout about all the nights I had been tapped on the shoulder, and about all the tears that had been shed by me and by my children huddled together in my bed. I wanted to let all these strangers know that I wasn’t just a victim . . . I was me . . . I was his wife . . . I was the mother of his babies. And we were still here . . . and we were still trying to figure out how to live. We had been forced into accepting our sentence. We hadn’t chosen this life . . . and they all needed to know about it!!! Forcing myself to be silent, I sat . . . and waited for my opportunity to let my voice be heard.
   
The jury was told they could ask me any questions they wanted. I don’t really remember much about their questions or any of my answers. I have no idea of how long I was there or how many questions I answered. I know that I spoke a lot about the events of that night, before he left our house. My soul ached for the Emmett I loved, as I told the story about the last words he spoke to me. My heart broke because of the unavoidable truth . . . that it had been her he was fighting for, not me.
     
I never did get to say all that was in my heart; their questions didn’t allow my needs to be fulfilled. All they needed to know about is what transpired that night. The questions seemed to finally slow down, and I thought my time on the stand was coming to an end. My body began to settle down.
   
And then it came: the question I knew I would have to answer . . . the question to which everyone wanted to know the answer . . . the question I will never forget. “Before your husband died, did you know that he and Kandi were having an affair?” Everyone froze . . .
     
I looked around the room. Every set of eyes was staring at me. Those eyes seemed to be boring in deeper than my skin; they were fixed on my soul. Everyone in the room waited . . .
   
As I answered, everyone’s eyes dropped. All of the sudden, nobody could look me in the eye!
  
I felt almost ashamed of myself. How DID I NOT know? What was wrong with me? They all seemed to be looking around the room wondering how the heck I could be married to this man . . .  who died because of this affair . . . and I DIDN’T KNOW?!!!!
   
This group had been sitting here all day listening to the obvious facts about how my husband had been cheating on me, and how he had died. They knew everything that I hadn’t learned before Emmett died. I stared at all their darting eyes, knowing they must have finally learned the truth about me. … I WAS stupid. The facts were as plain as day, and I had missed them when they were right in front of me. I was living them . . . but I was too stupid to figure them out. I could see the thoughts of the members of the Grand Jury, as if they glared out of their eyes as they focused on everything in the room . . . but me. “She should have known . . . and if she’d had any brains, she would have.”
   
I walked out of that courtroom feeling depressed and alone. The findings of the Grand Jury that would come to settle the minds of the prosecutors, only set off more alarms of fear in me. I walked out of that courtroom even more humiliated than before. There was going to be a murder trial . . . and it wouldn’t involve just a small group of random strangers staring at me and wondering how the crap I didn’t know . . . it would be the whole town . . . and eventually, the entire country.
     
That night as I lay in my bed, I replayed all the questions over and over in my mind. How I wished I could change my story. I could pretend I knew about the affair; I could say that Emmett had been at home fighting for me that night before he left. I longed to tell the town that I wasn’t as stupid as I looked. I had known there was something wrong, and I had been trying hard to figure it out . . . but I just hadn’t put all the facts together in time. That night, I drowned in my tears as I considered how to change my past to make myself feel better about it . . . and to reassure myself that I wasn’t dumb.
    
The next morning, I kept having this urge to go downtown again. Ha! That was the last thing I wanted to do. In the days that followed Emmett’s murder, I had placed holds on all of our accounts, but I had yet to go down to the bank to make sure everything was secure. It was just another thing on my “to do” list that I had purposefully avoided in a feeble attempt to pretend that none of what I was going through was real.
   
By late afternoon, I knew I couldn’t fight the urge any longer, and I made the decision to drive down to our bank. I was nervous the whole way there. I didn’t want to talk about financial matters; I didn’t want to see people who knew Emmett at the bank . . . and I certainly didn’t want to go into a public place where more people would find reasons to remind me of how stupid I was.
   
I parked my car outside the bank and walked inside. I asked to speak with the man who had helped me place holds on all of our accounts. The minute we sat down in the privacy of his office, he said, “I was literally going to call you this afternoon. Earlier today, another woman was in here trying to make withdrawals from these accounts. I am so glad you came in today.”
   
My heart dropped. My mind freaked out. I wasn’t safe . . . in any way. Now, not even my bank accounts seemed to provide me any security. My fear of the unknown seemed to be multiplying and invading every dark corner I had forgotten to check.
     
That day, I closed every single account. Maybe that was irrational . . . maybe I was just being stupid like everyone seemed to think I was, but in that moment . . . it was my only option. I had to protect the assets I had left. For me, that meant making some big decisions in literally just a few seconds. I had felt inspired to go to the bank that day, but I hadn’t realized that it was going to result in my finding even more reasons to doubt the world.

When I look back on those dark moments . . . it was like I was living in a haze. I thought I had made it past the hardest days . . . but then, something else would come along to pull me down even more than before. The force that tugged me down was stronger than just a sensation of falling. It felt like a darkness blacker than anything I had felt on earth was trying to suck me in.
    
The scientific definition of gravity is: the powerful force that attracts a body to the earth. During those dark days, it wasn’t just the force of gravity that held me, and it wasn’t just grounding me. No, it was a power that was pulling me down . . . down . . . down.
   
Everything I once thought was a given, seemed so uncertain. I was scared. I was stupid, and I was alone. My bank accounts were not safe . . . and somewhere between teaching my children how to properly grieve and function in their lives . . . we were going to have to live through a murder trial. I was going to have to take that stand again and tell the world all that I didn’t know. All those things I once counted on to be constants in my life . . .  now seemed to be not only undependable . . . but worse than that, they were failing me.

I wasn’t even sure if the natural law of Gravity was going to be a constant for me . . .  because I could not see where on the earth I was still connected to it.

There is a force in this world even stronger than the constant force of gravity. It is a darkness that swirls around us . . . and even when we feel we have been pulled farther down than we knew was possible . . . it tries to wrench us under even further. I was surrounded by darkness on those days, and there was no place inside of me that remembered that God was still there. I did not feel Him by my side as I sat at the bank and was told that I couldn’t even depend upon my bank accounts. I didn’t feel Him give me a voice as my heart pounded out of my chest so forcefully that I couldn’t breathe while I was speaking the truth on that witness stand. The truth was destroying me inside . . . but there was nowhere to hide from it. I felt completely alone and I felt scared to death.
     
The darkness of this world seemed to be chasing me, knowing I was weak, and I was buying every word of it. I didn’t know how to keep ahead of the darkness. Fear was my motivating factor. It drove me to arise in the morning and it kept me from falling asleep at night. I could barely eat, and I had to force myself to move. Every day, I spent hours replaying the questions that were asked as I sat on the witness stand, and I knew that the questions that would be written for me at the actual trial would be even more difficult. They would pull me down with even greater force.
   
Every single day . . . being pulled down . . . thinking; rehearsing; practicing; hallucinating . . . and feeling scared. But most of all feeling Humiliated.

There are many powers that pull at us: Hate, Pride, Fear, Jealousy, Anger, Doubt, Rage, Humiliation, Despair, Pain, Rejection, Doubt, and they are all powers of darkness. Darkness is always waiting to grab us in its clutches; it always knows just how to make its lonely walk . . . and it has the ability to make us long to join it for that walk. It waits for us along all the roads we tread and at all the crossroads where we stand alone. It is not willing to sacrifice for us, but it is willing to sacrifice US for the power it wants to hold over us. Satan is not constant. … He doesn’t stick around when we reach our breaking point. He walks away when he gets us to the spot where we cannot stand, and he hopes we will forget the light we once had. More than anything, he wants us to give up and forget. He willingly takes control when we feel we have lost it. The only thing that is constant when he steers our course . . . is our ultimate defeat. He promises nothing more than his own gain.
   
However, we don’t have to choose to fall under his power . . . for he will only bring us down. We are the ones who hold true strength . . . and darkness can only control us if we give our power away.
       
God’s love for us is the constant we must seek. Its power is the force that can keep us grounded. Even in the moments when we stand and feel that all the truths we once thought were consistent are falling through our grasp . . . He is still there. I didn’t let Him comfort me in that courtroom that day. I let other forces pull me down. I let fear take control of my body in every car I rode in and in every elevator I exited. I sat at that bank feeling alone and overwhelmed by darkness.
     
Gravity is a force that exists no matter what we do. We can try to fight it . . . we can try to pretend that its power cannot control us . . .  but ultimately, no matter how many times we try to leap off that barn’s rooftop . . . we will fall to the ground. No matter how many times we try to fly out of that tree . . . we will hit the grass. It was created for us for that purpose, and our questioning its existence, will in no way change its power. It will always be there.
   
However, our Heavenly Father is just as constant as gravity. He is always there. He walks with us into all the ‘banks’ that threaten our peace and make us feel like our security is about to be destroyed. He helps us close the accounts when we are not safe. He wipes our tears when the humiliation of the world tries to make us feel like we are stupid, and He is holding us up when we feel we cannot take another breath . . . as we speak the truth.
   
I have no idea why I wouldn’t allow myself to see His power in those moments, but I could easily feel the darkness. Looking back, I guess I needed to forget His love momentarily so that I would be driven to remember how to fight for it again. I thought I was walking all alone. The days when, in my mind, I was traveling solo . . . served as anchors to tug at me and remind me to seek His light again.
     
There are powers that pull us to and fro; there are forces that try to bind us. When we seek for the power that comes from the goodness inside of us . . . and from the Love of our Savior, that is when our paths seem to be surrounded by the hope we seek. Darkness will never bring us peace; it will never leave us full of happiness.
   
My hope in myself was lost; my hope in this world seemed to be impossible to find . . . but somehow, it found me. I didn’t seek it on those days full of darkness . . . but it was still there.
     
Gravity will hold you anchored to the earth, but only Christ will keep you grounded as you travel along life’s roads. Let the power of His mercy be the one that anchors your ship when the storms of the sea try to shake you. Let the gravity of His love hold you to the truths that only He can teach. You are smart. You are enough. You are the you He always wanted you to be. You have the power to choose the light.
   
Don’t let your fear of walking alone keep you from taking the next step. You are not alone. He is there. His power is real, and He holds it just for you. Gravity may bring you down, but Christ’s love can lift you higher.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for publishing your darkest moments for others to be lifted up through theirs. I love your blog, and am so glad to see that others (1.74 million hits and almost 10,000 likes through fb at this point) are gaining much from it too. I have a question though, I cannot play the link at the bottom of the entry. I receive an error that the file is unavailable? I hope it is just me but can others play it?

Anonymous said...

Well said. You're awesome thanks for sharing

Dana Hamilton said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings. My situation wasnt as grave as yours. But the feelings of stupidity and why didnt I see the signs of the affair still bring me down.I try to fight the gravity however some days it is too much to bear. There are times I have to push it away and know that I am better and stronger than any of this. I am comforted knowing that your struggles are some that I have felt and continue to deal with. I am not crazy, I am not stupid... HE was the one that was stupid and crazy. Why did he feel compelled to find a "break from reality"? I fight every day for my family. I fight everyday to understand why. I fight every day to let him know that I love him. I stayed through the heartache and pain I am not weak.... I am strong. Thank you once again sharing your strength with us.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for sharing your true emotions and allowing me to feel comforted through your words

Myheartisyours said...

You are such an inspiration to mothers especially young mothers sometimes when i feel like im not being a good enough mother to my 2 babies i come on here and read some of your blogs and i feel motivvated and empowered ive read each and every one of your blogs atleast twice god bless i amd thanks for sharing your life with us god bless u and ur angels

Camie at "Home is where they love you" said...

I don't think I have ever come across a woman as strong as you are.

Anonymous said...

Ashlee, my husband had an affair and I had NO IDEA. I knew there was something a little off and our marriage wasn't everything I had dreamed it would be, but I had no idea until he sat me down one night and asked me for forgiveness. I was completely blown away. I'm so sorry you felt so humiliated. I wish at the time you had someone who could tell you that you were not alone. Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are posting again! I was checking & finally saw you posted on the 11th! Thank you...your posts help me through the hard days. You are one strong woman. You are not stupid...you trusted in the man you loved. He was probably the last person you would have ever thought would do anything like that. I know the feeling...it's just not the man I fell in love with, that I have loved, that I have born his children. Not the one who has betrayed & lied to your face day after day...not the one who says he loves me but 5 min later is making choices that affect our eternal marriage. No we aren't stupid...we just don't expect "good" husbands "good" fathers to fall for Satan's plan. We know they are better than that... but Satan tempts them away & they fall for the BIG lie! No we aren't stupid...how many times has the spirit warned us that something wasn't right. How many times have we felt crazy, how many times have they allowed us to think we were crazy? No we were being warned by the spirit. You are not stupid you trusted in your husband, the father of your 5 children. You are stronger than you even know. “If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.” (From Winnie the Pooh but I'd like to think our Heavenly Father would say something similar!) Lots of love for you & your kiddos at this time of year!

Anonymous said...

My wife had an affair and I too felt stupid after. Wondering... how could I not know? But, as I pondered overt the situation and events, I realized that I did know, but was unwilling to see, as I wanted things to be normal. The ones that are caught up in the affair think that they are being so careful, and no-one will know! Unfortunately, there is always collateral damage with regards to the family. They say mean things, are callous and cavalier about relationships in the family. Even after more than 30 years, it still hurts. Ashley, you're teaching me to forgive. I can't thank you enough. You are being blessed to do this.

Anonymous said...

Hey thanks for fixing the "posting"...I have written dozens of long posts just to have them go out in cyberspace. (Maybe that is best because maybe I was giving TMI...) Anyway thanks for being you. You have really opened your heart up on this blog. I have wondered for over the past 3 years about you & I can not be happier to hear that you have picked yourself up off the ground, dusted yourself off, pulled your shoulders back & walked tall like the Daughter you are. You did NOTHING wrong. You should not feel humiliated...I bet those people in the court room wanted to cry for you & your babies. They were probably in shock that a beautiful (gorgeous) woman like you was sitting in front of them telling them that you had no idea because you thought your love was pure & perfect. Why would you ever think that the father of your 5 children would ever let something like this cross his mind. Please don't ever feel humiliated by his choices...they do not define you. You & your children are survivors. You are a wonderful mother who will teach them about love & forgiveness, and how the atonement will not only help Emmett through his problems but that the same Atonement will heal your broken heart. I wish you could tell me the secret of how your broken heart has been healed. I feel like I will never be the same in this life. I will never love again, I will never trust again...not that I don't want to but because I am broken (in a million pieces...& no one around me even knows what I am going through.) I admire you for loving Emmett. I pray everyday that I can forget the horror movie that plays over & over & over in my head...I think it is going to make me crazy. I want to love him again but I just cringe at his touch & his words of saying "I love you" because they have been said too many times in vain...just because that is what you are suppose to say or because that is how we want our "perfect" family to look in public. (Which is all a big lie...because although people look at us as if we must be the perfect little family...we aren't. I hid his lies (the bishop knows) but ultimately I am suppose to forgive, forget & move on. Could you please share how you were able to forgive Emmett & then find it in you to love him. And now that you are remarried...how have you learned to trust & love again. I wish I had the spiritual maturity to see things as you do. (I thought I had forgiven him awhile ago...but my feelings, memories & hurt come rushing back because I realize we don't have what I thought we had. How do you make your marriage better when the pictures just won't go away. Just the thought makes me ill. And I still get sad, hopeless, angry, bitter, etc over his selfishness. Moment of pleasure traded for a lifetime of happiness & joy. Sure hard times come...financial, health, loss of innocent loved ones...I just really struggle with having the only person I have ever loved & trusted..be just like all the others out there who don't keep their promises & covenants. Not my husband, not the love of my life, not the man that EVERYONE thinks is so wonderful, not the man who treats me like a queen in public, not the one who can lie to my face, not the one who looks me in the eye & tells me he loves me...no not our marriage. You know...(or once knew) the feeling...how did & do you do it? You are such an example to me. Thank you for your help. You know this blog is helping thousands...tens of thousands! You are an ANGEL. Thank you for listening to the spirit in the Temple & for putting your heart out there for all of us. This is bigger than you...this is what people are looking for to validate EXACTLY how they feel. Lots of love to you & your 5 little babies.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story with the world. Your posts hit me every time. They are always just what I needed to hear. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

great thanks to the great Dr. UDO who helped me in times of sorrow and
in getting my ex boyfriend back for me.
my name is Vivian, and i am from u.k, i am 22 years old getting my ex
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have tried many solution and all seems to be in Vail but one day i heard a
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and i also go to him but surprising he was the one that told me my problem
and i was really surprised about this.
then he decided to help me by performing a spell service and after he
has castes the spell he told me to wait for 3 days and on the 4 days on a
glorious morning i heard a knocked on my door post and to my greatest
surprised when i opened the door i met my ex kneeling in front of me
begging for my return and i was happy and surprised about this and also to
say a great thanks to the great doctor UDO for helping me.
interested viewers should kindly contact him on this email address (udosolutioncenter@outlook.com ) contact him and forget your sorrow no
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a man to be trusted.......... thanks
signed: Vivian*.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think we are protected from knowing the truth. Of course, you knew something was off and wrong, but had you known, you still wouldn't have been able to prevent the actions of others... Not knowing the truth protected you and your kids, from a possible separation and divorce, something that would have torn the kids apart, probably to result in the same. You couldn't do anything about his actions (or Rob's) Your innocence was sincere and genuine and pure. You were able to love Emmett until the end. You were not stupid. You were being watched over.

Anonymous said...

Good luck with that. It doesn't sound very promising.

Anonymous said...

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Veronica said...

Uuuum, the lady posting about her ex-lover.....good luck with that! ;)

As for Ashlee, you are NOT stupid. My husband and I were talking about your story at length last night after we read how you felt stupid on the witness stand. I ache for you that you felt/feel that way. You wanted so badly to believe in Emmett and in your marriage. You had so much at stake and what he did is so unthinkable and no woman alive would want to see that. Our minds and spirits have a way of protecting us from bad things. You are brave and strong and beautiful!! Keep writing your story and sharing it with us. Have a great day!

Baby Sister said...

For the anonymous who posted about the song, I can't listen to it either. It just says there's an error.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are such an inspiration to us all!!

Ashlee and Shawn said...

Fixed the problem to the link on Abbey's song!

Dana Hamilton said...

Abbeys song is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Just offering another perspective- just about anyone who's been pregnant or had a newborn knows how busy and distracting a time that is in life. It makes sense why you would feel that people thought you were stupid and why that would feel humiliating. I felt the same way when my husband cheated on me. But, I think that most people just felt uncomfortable to hear that you didn't know because you just gave birth to your 5th child and had so much on your plate while all of this was going on. If anyone thought that you were stupid; I would argue that they lacked imagination, compassion and/or empathy. So sorry you felt that way at the time and have made peace with it.

Anonymous said...

You are not stupid Ashlee! My husband also had an affair and I had NO idea! It wasn't even on my radar! I can only imagine how difficult it was for the whole world to find out the same time you did. You are amazing and I gain so much from you as I read your blog. Thank You!

Anonymous said...

You said it perfectly! I always wonder how she found the strength to forgive him? Maybe it was easier because he was gone.. idk? I understand the disgust of being touched by a husband who has cheated, I know how it feels to cringe when they say I love you or that they're sorry.. You wouldn't wish that kind of pain on your worse enemy but somehow wish THEY could feel how you feel! Ashlee is an amazing example of Christ's love for us...

glenda said...

You are NOT stupid and you ARE enough! Emmett didn't see it. I'm so glad that you found someone new to love you and share this journey with you. Thank you for sharing your blog. It's touched so many!

sharon said...

Am Sharon from USA but base here in UK am so grateful to Dr ogudugu for what he has done for me,At first i was thing he was a scam and also thinking if i was doing the right,But when i decided to contact him i told him my problem he laughed and told me that everything will be okay within 48hours,So i decided to give it a try in which i contacted him he told me that i should remove all taught from my mind and be happy,Really on the second day i just got a cal from someone.The person was weeping then i decided to ask who was i speaking to then he called his name Jack i was shocked i asked him what happened he said he is really sorry for what he has done to me for the past 3years for leaving me alone.That i should please forgive him that he will make it up with me.So then i said let him come over which he did as he was coming he got me a new car and also said i should have access to his account top prove to me that he will never leave me for anything now we are both together and we are going to celebrate this valentine in any country of my choice,Which we are preparing for.Now we are together and he cant do without me friends am so happy to Dr ogudugu for bringing back happiness to my life.i swear with my life Dr ogudugu his a man to trust you can contact him on his private mail oguduguspelltemple@gmail.com and your problem we be solved

Unknown said...

I know for me, I feel the infidelity was revealed to me when the timing was such that I was surrounded by loving friends who were there- they were my angels. If I had discovered the multiple affairs and years of infidelity sooner, my support system would not have been as strong. Maybe we weren't stupid for not knowing- maybe we were looking for the best in our husbands. I had suspicions and I even questioned my husband many times. He would always tell me I needed to trust him. He would tell me I was overreacting to things. The signs were there. My (ex)husband always told me that people who cheated on their spouses were "cowards" and he would never do that to me. He did do it. For 13 years he was doing it. I never knew. Not until I found his "secret" email account with emails (photos included) from all of the women he was having affairs with--all across the globe. It made me physically sick. I found it unbelievable that the women were all 15-20 years older than we were. Old enough to be his mother. That disgusted me.
I realized that it wasn't about me not being good enough. It wasn't about me not being pretty enough. It wasn't because he wasn't getting fulfilled at home. I've heard so many misjudgments by people regarding infidelity. It was about my husband finding himself in a dark, dark place- so dark that he no longer felt worthy of me. He no longer felt he deserved me. He felt guilty. He sought relationships with people who were also in dark places. My (ex)husband became really mean after I discovered the affairs. He started saying I was "crazy" and "psycho" and that is what he told to his co-workers and family to justify his actions.
I know you mentioned your husband would call you "crazy" too. It is interesting because I was looking in the scriptures at the accounts when Jesus was accused of being "mad" (crazy), Joseph Smith was accused of the same- and Abinadi too... In all cases, the accused were the righteous. The ones accusing them of being crazy were the ones who were guilty of sin.
Thank you for sharing your faith and strength.

Anonymous said...

Ashlee, I thought about you when I read these verses last night... (1 Nephi 20: 10-11) "For, behold,I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. For mine own sake, yea, for mine own sake will I do this, for I will not suffer my name to be polluted, and I will not give my glory to another."
You are a witness for His name in a time when the world absolutely needs it! You are strong and willing and faithful.
You loved and trusted Emmitt with all your heart. It's something many people have a really hard time doing. It's admirable. He was really blessed to have you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I have read your entire blog. It has been therapeutic process to read about what you have learned and your words of hope.

Anonymous said...

These posts are priceless and I adore you and applaud you for sharing the story, your feelings, what you've learned and your testimony. It burns bright and strong and I am grateful!!

Just A Touch Of Crazy said...

I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and have been captivated by your story. You are such an amazing, strong woman with so much love and inspiration to share! Thanks for sharing your story. I have learned so much from you and your babies.

Brangie Family said...

Ashlee, my thoughts on how you didn't know of the affair only speaks volumes of your capacity to see the good in others - in this case your eternal companion. You saw the good and you weren't seeking out the bad. That is a beautiful trait to see good and have hope in someone and see them for who they really are. Many of us can learn from your example to see good. Thank you for delving into the depths of your soul to buoy up others and expand our minds in such a meaningful way. Thank you for helping me to grow and learn from you. You are a light to many. I am sorry for your loss and the hurt and pain you have had and will have. Thank you for letting me be a passenger on your journey of healing, as it is also helping me to do likewise.

April @ Hansen Love said...

Ashlee, I have loved what I have learned through your posts. I have my struggles that are of a different kind, but of forgiving, and forgetting. Thank you so much for your insights to everything, your strength and hope has helped me through my struggles. You're an inspiration. Thank you for your blog.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story! It is so helpful and so inspiring. A friend of mine (who has endured infidelity) has said that it wasn't her job to be a detective to her husband, it was her job as his wife to love and trust him. She was doing her job.

Krystal Christensen said...

When I experienced infidelity I had no idea it had even ever happened. You are not alone. I felt beyond stupid.

Anonymous said...

It seems like you have some scammers commenting. I don't know if you know, but you can choose the option to ok a comment before it is posted. Just thought I'd let you know so you can keep people from trying to sell or publish weird things. Also, you are amazing! I love your faith and love. Thanks for sharing something so personal.

Anonymous said...

Spam!

Anonymous said...

Ashlee, Thank you for sharing your story of healing. I too was completely blindsided by an affair my husband was having, I felt so dumb, I believed his crazy stories but I knew deep down that something was wrong. His cheating went on for so many years it became my normal, and I found joy and filled my time with our kids. He ultimately chose his new mistress over me and our children, left us and married her. It has been years and I continue to struggle to find answers almost daily. The pain is deep, but like you I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and I just need to trust him. I can find joy in today and in my sweet children, new husband, and step-children. Trust can be found in time, I love how you talked about the difference of fear of the past and fear in the present (-the holy ghost), your words were an answer to my prayers. Thank you so much for your insights. Thank you for following your promptings to share, you are personally helping me find answers and are helping me continue to heal.

anonymous said...

I, too, had no idea my husband was having an affair even though he started treating me horribly. You know why we didn't see it...we trusted our husbands with every fiber of our being. I think back and wonder...if only I would've seen it coming earlier. Maybe I could've stopped it before it started. But, it wouldn't have been any different because I trusted him so much. You're not stupid for trusting and nether was I. God bless you.

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